The Onion’s Check Sweatshop Helps You Have Enjoyable In The Solar

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Deciding which merchandise will fulfill your primary wants or fill that gaping gap in your coronary heart could be irritating. The Onion’s Check Sweatshop is right here to assist. Each product we suggest has been examined for over 50,000 hours by our military of indentured product testers. The Onion doesn’t make any cash off these suggestions, as a result of we couldn’t determine how.

On this version, The Onion’s Check Sweatshop recommends one of the best merchandise for staying secure and having enjoyable in the summertime months.

Finest Sunscreen
Banana Boat SPF 2000 Solar Armor: Boasting thick layers of chain mail, leather-based, and metal, this swimsuit of armor is the right option to protect your little one’s delicate pores and skin from the scorching gentle of day.

Finest Music Accent
Sony Bluetooth-Enabled Sand: This compact speaker set supplies eardrum-shaking beats emanating from each single grain of sand round you.

Finest Soda Hotter
Coleman TepidTech: This electrically insulated chest is specifically designed to maintain beer, soda, and perishable meals at a comfy 78 levels.

Best Mosquito Hatchery
An Old Tire: You can spend hundreds of dollars on the newest technology for holding stagnant water in your backyard, or you can stick with the classic dusty Goodrich that has hatched millions of bloodsucking pests since your grandpa pried it off his trailer in 1980 and never bothered to get rid of it.

Best Product For Keeping Cool
Uline Armpit Cold Packs: Summer usually means sweating, but this year you can shove one of Uline’s targeted cooling ice packs right in there.

Best Sports Equipment
Nike Deflated Soccer Ball: The kids will find something to do with it.

Best Product To Show What Growing Up In The Neighborhood Was Like
Racially Diverse Group Of Children Playing In An Open Fire Hydrant: This spunky crew will provide exposition for your overly sentimental backstory. Comes with four, eight, or 12 children.

Best Sun Umbrella
Beetham’s Matchless Parasol For The Sensitive Lad: Mother has always discouraged you from venturing out of the manor, but if you must, be sure to get a Beetham’s.

Best Insect Repellent
Off! 6-Week Telekinesis Training: This series of instructional videos will enable you to keep mosquitoes away using only the power of your mind.

Best Lifeguard To Be Rescued By
Dan: Out of all the lifeguards we tested, Dan is the only one who will be able to save you.

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