Sam Bankman-Fried Sobs After By accident Dropping Final Crypto Down Sewer Grate

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NASSAU, THE BAHAMAS—Within the wake of the cryptocurrency change he based submitting for chapter amid accusations of mismanaging funds, the final hopes of embattled former FTX CEO Sam Bankman-Fried had been reportedly extinguished Friday when a number of eyewitnesses noticed him sobbing after by accident dropping his final crypto down a sewer grate.

Bankman-Fried was reportedly feeling depressed after a collection of revelations about his dealing with of FTX buyer investments erased its $32 billion valuation in a matter of days. As its liquidity dried up, his private web value of $16 billion was lowered to zero. Associates described Bankman-Fried as despondent and uncertain what to do till he reportedly found a crypto he hadn’t recognized he had below the sofa in his condominium.

“So long as I’ve you, I’ll at all times have hope!” the 30-year-old investor was heard to say to his final remaining cryptocurrency, holding it up in delight and marvel. Realizing he nonetheless had a crypto left to his title reversed his sullen temper immediately, sources confirmed, and Bankman-Fried declared that this one cryptocurrency was all he wanted to rebuild his fame and fortune.

The rejuvenated entrepreneur then reportedly left his condominium and took a stroll down the streets of Nassau with what onlookers described as a spring in his step. He was stated to periodically take away his final cryptocurrency from his pocket to stare at it, a glance of pure pleasure on his face. A good friend confirmed that the person often called SBF stated over textual content that not even the looming menace of a legal investigation into his actions along with his asset administration agency Alameda Group might carry him down along with his final cryptocurrency by his aspect.

“I’m on prime of the world!” he was heard to exclaim to random passersby, who all smiled his manner. The birds had been reportedly chirping, and the solar was stated to shine brilliant.

Distracted by his last cryptocurrency, which he was holding aloft to admire, Bankman-Fried reportedly failed to notice a fire hydrant on the sidewalk. Several bystanders confirmed that he tripped over the hydrant, sprawling to the sidewalk, and his last crypto skidded out of his grasp.

“No, no, no!” Bankman-Fried reportedly shouted until his voice was hoarse.

Onlookers said that the cryptocurrency then began to slide down the street as Bankman-Fried stumbled after it. Shouting, “Get back here!”, he repeatedly lunged at the rolling crypto, missing it every time, until he fell flat on his stomach in the street several feet from a sewer.

Sources confirmed that the disgraced investor was then forced to watch in what felt like slow motion as his last crypto in the world teetered on the edge of the sewer grate. For a moment, it reportedly looked like it would just fall harmlessly onto the frame, but it took one last spin and plunged into the sewer.

“I’m ruined!” Bankman-Fried was heard to shout, tears in his eyes, as he crawled over to the grate. He then spent several minutes staring at the cryptocurrency, which had reportedly given him the hope and confidence that he could regain the life he had lost, as it sat in the sewer on a pile of leaves and garbage, just out of reach.

In between heaving sobs, Bankman-Fried reportedly begged a pedestrian for a stick of gum. After chewing the gum for a few moments, he grabbed a stick lying nearby and placed the lubricated gum on the end of the stick. Multiple onlookers confirmed that he spent several panicked minutes inserting the stick into the sewer grate in an attempt to get the cryptocurrency to stick to the gum.

Sources observing the weeping former CEO reported that this didn’t work at all.

At press time, Bankman-Fried had stuck his arm through the grate and was screaming for help after realizing it was stuck.

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